Sunday, February 21, 2010

By The Drain, I Sat Down and Cried

By the drain
I sat down and cried
His life waned
That Friday night

Benji O Benji
Don't you cry
Close your eyes
Your end is nigh

Benji my dear
Just cross over
Pain will never
In your life forever

His eyes dried
That morning
Benji died
And I am mourning

"With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?"

- Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat

Benji found its way to our home when we were busy packing stuffs to move to our current home sweet home almost 6 years ago. With Adam, Yuyu and Mulan, we could always leave him behind but looking at the neighbours we had, I knew he won't survive for long. So, I vetoed that he would follow us.

Always scrawny, he had metallic breath due to his feline type leukemia. Always agile, he would be the one greeting me by the door every week days. Always graceful, he won't get into our home uninvited. Always kind, he would be the one giving up his meal for some 'illegal' cats.

As always, i took everything that came with him. He could sleep on my lap when others would puke. He could get whatever he wanted when I make others beg. If only I could make him feel wanted and in less pain.

Mak told me to put him to sleep about 2 weeks ago but I thought it is God's work to decide how long he will last and I was selfish, he suffered in great pains. On that Friday morning, Benji dazed away, without giving me a meow or two when i walked passed him. Throughout the day, I felt loss and sad. I turned feverish on my way back and as Ayah told me about that Benji is dying, I couldn't say anything but cried my heart. Now, it made sense why I felt so.

In my kebaya, I sat down by the drain with Benji - the place where Mak and Ayah told he had spent the whole afternoon in. I didn't move him, just stroked his cold limbs and heaving tummy. I did exactly what I did when we arrived back in our hometown - 4 hours after Tok passed away almost 3 years ago. They all waited for us to arrive before his burial. I told Benji, just like what i told Tok that I was sorry I made him wait and cried like a baby for that would make him sad.

I spent my Saturday in and out of sleep, highly sedated, eyes all swollen from crying, body's all aching from shaking.

My Dear Benji, rest in peace...


walla said...

Now i understand what Dyer had said:

"You are not a human being having a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being having a human experience."

That aptly describes you. And by connection, to all the living things in this world.

For those who are perceptive about animals, livingness is not unique to us humans.

This post, for your cat. And you.

TheWhisperer said...

My heartfelt condolence..