At the Crossroad of Life and Death

I am so tired today - my eyes are heavy, my heart is weary and i still couldn't stop crying.

Yesterday evening, my dear Abang Yus called me up. It's been quite sometimes since he told me about his beloved mother suffering from colon cancer and I've been meaning to call him up last week. He told me his beloved mother passed away last friday, while i was away from work and home. His mother's house is in Kg. Baru and I could have been there for him. Tonight, he called me again - his voice was ladened with sadness. He misses his mother. I wish I could find better words to comfort his soul. I wish I could hold his hands so that he knows he is not alone - his adik is with him all these while.

This afternoon, I managed to talk to my dearest friend, Rose, who had delivered a beautiful Sofea, last friday afternoon. I shared with her about the latest positive and glowing development in 'human capital department' in my office (used to be ours last year) - it is good for her to know that some people were finally awakened from their 'deep slumber' and now know 'siapa kawan siapa lawan'. I can say we are relieved - God has answered our prayers in silence. Indeed, just like her simple, beautiful yet meaningful name, Sofea, which means "wisdom" in Greek and "pure" in Arabic, brought so much happiness to my dearest friend. I cried tears of happiness.

After an interesting banter with someone dear, i read about "Teo Beng Hock, 30, an aide of Selangor state executive councillor Ean Yong Hian Wah, has plunged to his death at the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) Selangor headquarters in Shah Alam". My heart, which had just recovered from tremendous shock last night (not from my dear Abang Yus), is again a bottomless, darkest pit. My googling found various reports on his untimely, mysterious demise. He was released at 3.45 am and I am sure he was so happy for he is going to get registered for marriage tomorrow. But, he was found dead at the rooftop of Plaza Masalam, where MACC Selangor HQ is located this afternoon, with his car remains untouched at the car park.

Well, I've lost someone extremely dear to my heart - i called him my soulmate - ten years ago. I know what his fiancee is going through now.

It's simply indescribable - losing the love of your life, your world, your hope, your future, your purpose. Just imagine a can in the pressure chamber - the wreckage is beyond repair. Just imagine being in a silent movie - you shouted and cried with all your might but nobody hears you. And when all the hugs and words mean nothing because you just want to be hugged and comforted by him and him alone.

I do not know the Late Mr Teoh Beng Hock but God, please. Let his soul rest in peace. Please God, please don't leave them - his beloveds - living in unimaginable pains and loss. Let justice be seen to be done for him and his loved ones.

At this crossroad of life and death, all i want to do is cry myself to sleep, again, if that will lessen the pain of losing.

And let me listen to Ray La Montagne's beautifully haunting "Be Here Now"

Don't let your mind get weary and confused

Your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child

It's only time, it will go by

Don't look for love in faces, places

It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me

And I will try not to lose faith in you

Don't put your trust in walls

'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now

Be here now, here now

p.s. Someone told me i'm always upset. If only he knows how it feels like when your soul could sense the pain, loss and sadness of everyone around you and you couldn't do anything to make it go away...if only he knew...