Monday, March 9, 2009

Since I Turn Middle-Age

Just like a baby turning a month older, i was 'feeling under the weather' for the past 2 weeks. 'To rub salt to the wounds', I was socially active too with guests throughout weekends and serious makan-makan sessions, which definitely brought along rigorous preparations as I needed all to be spick and span, in tip top conditions. Looking at this addiction of mine spiced up with outrageously encouraging reviews thus far (hehehheh u knew i fed my guests very well they would come up with such remarks), i thought i should open up a rest house myself :P Yes, that is one of my dreams. Puncak Alam or Penang Hill, i'll have one.

My social calendar was soon filled with meetings, site visits and makan-makan till late hours as my organisation received a delegation of development bankers from Jeddah. I was deprived of my beauty sleep and with my brain was still all over the place by the time i hit bed, i talked in my sleep. My limbs were all aching. My memory wasn't performing that well, somehow i missed certain issues raised during the meetings. But, why was I so cheerful and energetic?

Throughout the said period, i met interesting characters, who are not only intellectually intriguing, they are genuinely sensible people, who speak with their mind, who act with their heart. Though i am not from their organisation, I am glad they trust me. By opening up to me, they taught me that you must support values that you believe in, not the individuals; if you believe in what you are doing is right, you must find ways to convince others; always look at things from the angle of practicality and accountability; being a boss doesn't mean you have to know everything - encourage your people to share their views; when you put your heart into a project, strive to make it a success.

I was enchanted with the goodness working with such organisation, I asked Br. MN if there are women working in the bank. Despite only less than 10% are women, he told me the first think i need to do before working over there is to get myself married or i would have no life there as women are not allowed to go out alone. He told me he just helped his neighbour's daughter to secure a position of Poor Alleviation Specialist.

You see, the first intention of me joining banking industry is to help people. The longer i'm in it, the more i see how unfair this industry is - you take back the umbrella when it is raining - and each day, it is eating up my conscience. Bankers are fair-weather friends when they should be the business partners. Isn't it a bliss to be part of an organisation that helps provide fresh, clean water to the villages, lighting up the nights so the kids could read their books, giving opportunity for the women to provide second income in their family? It is, for me - a wishful thinker.

During our final dinner, i was seated next to Chide - a 33-year olf LSE-post graduate Christian Nigerian. He shared with me how much our Ibupertiwi reminds him of his birthplace - friendly people and heavy rains :P I also found out how similar our countries are in terms of corrupted politicians, greedy for oil and other natural resources and how wired we are to the advance of telecommunication. Very much an adventurer himself, spending summer holidays with UNESCO program in Africa, I told him to explore our Ibupertiwi next time he visit SEA. We were practically engrossed with our conversation that some people started making early remarks that we like each other. Personally, i can say i was smitten with him - purely upon listening to his views on humanity. He said he felt like he has known me for a long time. I make a joke that he probably had seen me in Manchester when he studied in Bradford. On the following afternoon, we shook hands far too long and he kept saying "Take Care" to me.

Somehow, i felt lost after he left for KLIA. For me, it is a rare occurence when i cross path with someone who has the same wavelength with me. Sadly this time around, he is on another continent. That reminds me of my soulmate (May his soul RIP) - i wonder why these special souls had to be so far away from me.

Since we are already on this subject, I have a complain to make - could you all please stop asking me when i am getting hitched? When many people were asking the same question, there is a tendency of one asking what is bloody wrong with me? Not long ago, someone was sighing relief after knowing that i got a handful of proposals before he tried to tackle me. With that remark, i slamdunked this prospect though it could come with a brand new Honda Accord and endless overseas trips. Damn, i'm not that materialistic and desperate.

I was crying last night because I think I was making a fool of myself lately as I got overexcited when people told me they want to matchmake me. I was, too, scared of not finding THE ONE who would 'pass' my parents' standard (i wonder why they think i need to find a handsome husband, amongst others) and above all, I was afraid of the day that i realise nobody understands me and sense how i feel. That's pathetic isn't it?

Alhamdullilah, waking up to puffy eyes and drizzles, i felt better. I feel contented with life has blessed me this far. I discard all those hopes and wishes i have for THE ONE - for i never know what they will make me when they come true. Let's hope this good feeling lasts a little longer till next February.

I would be lucky to live till 70. Since I've turned middle age on 27 February, life seems to me pretty short to stop living my kind of life. I should feel rather old really but i want to be young enough to do bungee-jumping, to laugh along with my little nephews when we watch cartoons, to be able to stretch my muscles and do my splits, to stay cheerful after long hours in the office , to be fit to keep running (Wild Wild Run was awesome, i think it's good to feel i'm running away from what's bothering me), to stay hopeful to what I can be and never stop dreaming my dreams...

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