Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I make a point to watch "Bersamamu" on TV3 - to cry at least, once a week.

Crying soothes my soul, softens my heart, clear my mind and push me to do things I should be doing, no matter how hard they are. And at the end of the day, it is alright to cry - alone or in public.

People say and think I am one tough cookie - hati batu, keras kepala, degil - and as a result of that impression (perhaps some truth to certain extent), people either avoid me or adore me. How extreme. But, while I was in Form 5, I cried a lot - in public.

A group of people from several classes was placed in 5 Sc 5 - kelas budak2 pandai so they said. Emotions ran high, especially with us girls because we had our own clique in our comfort zone and being torn away, even during school time (it's a boarding school, so imagine spending 3/4 of your day in your classroom with strangers), drove us crazy. We put on our sour faces to every teacher that came into the class - an act of silent protest. They tried to talk to us, we cried and appealed to them to help us break up this newly created class. We didnt want being labelled 'budak2 pandai'. Months gone by and nothing happened. We thought we should have a talk with the Headmaster and put an end to this bizzare arrangement instantly. One fine day, he came in and asked us what was the problem? I stood up and I said...hmmm...i guess between sobs. The tears we shed on that day didnt soften his heart and we continued to be in that class. Alhamdullillah, everything went well. We grew closer. With too many prefects and librarians in it, this class stood out in many ways. Because of that sobbing incident, my classmate wrote in my auto(biography) book how he realised I was actually a cry baby (as I always looked strong to him) while another said he admired my courage to speak up for the rest of the class.

Being a Head Girl was a big test for me. Because of this, I cried again - in public while talking to the whole of As(rama)pu(te)ri after saturday morning dorm inspection. I forgot what I said but I bet it touched many hearts and made them cry too. The girls who used to look at me as their biggest enemy or rival, became my friends and the juniors looked up for me for care and strength. Since that day, life was a bit easy as everybody knows we shouldnt be making someone's life more difficult as life is already a difficult journey.

When i was working with my first bank, i was so lucky to have SP as my Deputy Branch Manager. Having trained as a biochemist, I came up top of the class of the bank's trainee that year and I got to choose where I want to be. I chose L Branch - a top corporate branch. I started from serving the customers (customer service) - opening accounts, taking down complaints, upload the ATM to doing the Branch's daily balancing (gosh, those small figures in piles of white paper, fingers pinching the hard calculator), handling cash (withdrawal, savings, safekeeping the cash), to doing remittance and money market transactions and lastly, being in the credit department - I came full circle - I could open my own branch I can say that. He's very friendly, extremely knowledgable, thinking outside the box-attitude - for me, he's my first mentor. Something happened (plotted out of greedy and jealousy) and he was asked to resigned so abruptly. He was called to the head Office in the mid-afternoon and by 3.40pm (after the bank closed), we were called for a meeting and it was announced that he's leaving. I can say all of us there cried except for the announcer. He's everything to us. I was angry for such injustice and I asked the announcer why cant we just wait for the outcome before this action being taken while heavily sobbed. Since that moment, he knew I'm on his side - no matter what. He cried too. Alhamdullilah, he is doing well now after suffering many years of injustice. I hope one day justice will prevail.

Crying makes it easy for me to understand people, to connect to people (even telepathically) because I think you are capable of listening to your heart. I cry sometimes thinking of my parents having breakfast without me, I cry when i saw kids as I missed my nephews, I cry when i read my sister and brothers' sms, I cry listening to oldies song for someone i love is probably listening to them too, I cry to all stray animals, to all sufferings, to all trees being fell down in the name of development (or more precisely, money-making), I cry when Barisan Rakyat won, I cry reading Malaysia Today, I cry to so many ordinary things. I know crying makes me sane and how true these quotes are about crying: -

"He does not weep who does not see" - Victor Hugo

"It opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes, and softens down the temper; so cry away" - Charles Dickens

"The tears of the world are a constant quality. For each one who begins to weep, somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh" - Samuel Beckett

"There are people who laugh to show their fine teeth; and there are those who cry to show their good hearts" - Joseph Roux

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